Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter

ABRAHAM LINCOLN VAMPIRE HUNTER

Let's talk about animal rights.

Ashamed to do this pose. Photo by Heather.

2012, Historical Horror, Rated R

Distributed by 20th Century Fox

          Timur Bekmambatov, director of Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, hates animals. Well, he may not hate them, but he likes to kill them digitally in ridiculous ways in his films. His last big action film, the cheesy Angelina Jolie vehicle Wanted, is what the trailers for ALVH used to get us to want to see it. That movie is pretty lame, but the worst part about it occurs in the final act. Millions of rats are equipped with bombs and sent into the bad guy's lair to destroy him and his plans. The audience is treated to the idea that millions of innocent rats were used to thwart some bad guy's plans. It's the goofiest thing you'll see in a movie: multiple shots of poorly animated digital rats running about and blowing themselves up. ALVH contains a scene just as goofy, cheesy, and even more offensive.

          Abraham Lincoln in ALVH becomes a vampire hunter because a vampire killed his mother. That vampire is who he is after, who he has always wanted to vanquish. The scene in which Abe accomplishes this involves horses...many, many digital stampeding horses. There's a whole pack of 'em running wild and the vampire hops on one so Abe follows him into the heard. A battle follows where the vampire hurls whole kicking horses at Abraham Lincoln. It is so much goofier than the digital rats. They both run on the heads and backs of the galloping horses. All the while the audience can only see dust and digital horses through a very shaky camera. I don't understand the appeal of watching innocent animals, very obviously digital innocent animals, get thrown about, hurt, killed, and/or blown up. It's totally tasteless, Timur. Not all action movies need dead animals...or trains.

          Once again we have a crossover with Wanted. That movie had a crazy scene with a digital train about to crash while characters fight and scramble to get off in time. The exact same scene happens in ALVH only it's a steam-powered locamotive at night, crawling with vampires. Abe and his buddies have to kill a whole mess of vamps before the train crashes because a vampire lit the upcoming bridge on fire. During this scene the audience gets to watch a lot of smoke, sparks, and the same ugly digital vampire face coming at the screen.

          If you can't tell already, I really disliked Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. It is one of worst films of 2012 so far. I really wanted it to be good, I really did. I was an advocate for it for many weeks leading up to its release. People would say that it seemed really dumb and would ask why someone would make a movie like that. I always reminded them that it's based on a book and has an established following. The book is actually supposed to be a great read. Now that I've seen it I know that they were all right. This movie is really bad and should never have been made. As a book I can imagine it being interesting but as a movie it is beyond lame.

          The casting, to begin with, was atrocious. Banjamin Walker played Abe and did so with a monotone voice and no emotion to speak of. I can't blame the actor completely, though, because the script is bad too. The dialogue and his narration were dull and uninviting. Rufus Sewell has never impressed me. He's one of those actors that is perfect for roles like his in ALVH. He's just a shallow villain, standing there looking all menacing. His character was not explored so I guess he played him as best he could. Abe's buddy Joshua Speed is played by Jimmi Simpson, one of the guys in that Always Sunny episode who holds the gang hostage. He does not belong in the 19th century. Every time he was on screen I imagined him licking sweet Dee's face. Mary Elizabeth Winstead is just not a very good actress and didn't seem like she knew how to play Mary Todd-Lincoln. There was one actor in this picture that looked very much like he belonged in 19th century America killing vampires. That was Dominic Cooper portraying Abe's mentor in the vampire slaying arts. The only problem I had with him was his stupidity.

          Let's talk about stupid characters. The movie is bursting at the seams with them. When we first meet Abe's mentor, he is wearing these awesome sunglasses that cover the front and sides of his vision. They are so obviously a vampire's sunglasses. Abe realizes, and the director expects us to not realize until the end, that his mentor is a vampire. Abe starts kicking a screaming like a little girl when he finds out he was lied to. I'm like, You're dumb, dude, who wouldn't know that? Also, when Abe decides to devote his life to vampire slaying, his mentor warns him that he must not learn the vampire slaying ways only for vengeance. He can only kill vampires that his mentor approves of slaying. Abe agrees but, really mentor guy? You really think he's not going to just take what you teach him and use it to avenge his dead mother? And then Abe narrates over it saying that he was lying....obviously, Abe! So many dumb characters in this movie, so many. Abe even has a blond moment at the end. He is president and trying to devise a last-ditch effort to beat the South (backed by vampires) when he picks up a fork and it hits him. He realizes, We need silver, lots and lots of silver! Really? You've been slaying vampires for like 30 years and it took you this long to think silver would destroy an army of vampires? That's the first thing I (never mind a professional vampire hunter) would use!

          The only thing that could have saved this movie would have been excellent action scenes. Even the R rating promises some gory vampire kills. Well, the action was bad: real bad, and repetitive. Every vampire kill was the same. The vampire would jump out and Abe would ax him real quick. The vampires in ALVH look totally human until the second before they bite when their faces go dark and digital and they grow fangs. This led every vampire scene to be a jumpy scene, so in turn every vampire scene was essentially the same. The last thing you would see would be a poorly animated digital fanged vampire face coming at the screen. The action was terrible. Even Abe's unique ax abilities felt lame and underused.

          I'll stop ranting now. All I can say is don't go see this movie. Like most of Timur Bekmambatov's movies (did anyone see The Darkest Hour? Embarrassingly bad.) it is shallow, boring, and moves along with no intelligence or depth. The wonderful Tim Burton also produced this horror action film and you can find out below why I don't like him either!

          Here is Kevin Smith, director of Clerks, talking about his experience dealing with Tim Burton and the Batman and Planet of the Apes films Burton directed. It's pretty hilarious, but you have to listen to the whole story for the punch line to really hit hard. Don't mind the subtitles.