The Apparition

THE APPARITION

So, you thought ALVH was bad?

 

Worst movie of 2012

 

2012, Horror, Rated PG-13

Distributed by Warner Bros. Pictures

 

          This is easily the worst theatrical release of 2012. I can't believe it's actually in the theaters. It belongs on the Sci-Fi Channel as a made-for-TV movie. It's absolutely terrible. I hated every minute of it and you will too if you spend the money to see it.

          The trailers for The Apparition tell you more about what's going on in the film than the film itself. Halfway through I realized that literally nothing was being explained. The film relies on so many cliches to distract you from the absence of a real plot. Essentially it's like this: a beautiful couple move into a house together. The house appears to be haunted but in reality it's the man in the relationship that's haunted. He took part in an experiment years prior that meant to create a supernatural being with belief. The trailers told us that they created a supernatural entity in their minds to prove that ghosts aren't real, you simply need to believe that they are and they will come haunt you. Most of what I just told you I got from the trailer. It is not explained in the film itself. It's not a terrible idea for a movie but everything else about the movie is terrible.

          There are no famous people in this movie other than the kid who played Malfoy in the Harry Potter film franchise. He has a very small role. The couple is played by two gorgeous human beings who can't act. The girl doesn't know about the experiment so she runs around scared throughout the whole movie. The guy literally has the same expression on his face in every scene. He looks freaked-out but kind of pissed-off too. The acting is terrible and the script is even worse. I'm still shocked that this got a theatrical release.

          I guess the worst part of the movie is that it steals its premise from a very famous horror film. The idea that you have to believe in the supernatural entity for it to harm you is taken directly from A Nightmare On Elm Street. Nightmare has an antagonist, though, and everyone knows him. Freddy Krueger is unforgettable with his gory burns, Christmas sweater, and knives attached to his gloves. There is no identifiable antagonist in The Apparition. The scary things you see are odd lights, doors closing by themselves, and a random yellow mold that forms on walls near someone who is afraid of "the apparition". I bet they named it that because that's all it is: an apparition. There's no evil force behind it, no reason for these kids to be haunted and killed. I'm also shocked that this film comes in at one hour and twenty minutes and I was still so bored, just begging the credits to roll, not halfway through it.

          This movie is on a whole other level of bad. It's literally only good for laughs. Maybe play a drinking game with it: drink every time you laugh unintentionally. You'll be drunk as a skunk real quick. Avoid it like an apparition.

 

          Side note: I hate when a trailer shows a main character's death. The trailers for The Apparition showed pretty much all of them. I knew when each character was going to die minutes before any danger presented itself.

The Expendables 2

THE EXPENDABLES 2

Norris, Willis, Hemsworth, Schwarzenegger, and Van Damme join the Expendables

There are two of them. This is the second.

2012, Action, Rated R

Distributed by Lionsgate

          Having just come down from the exhilarating high provided by The Bourne Legacy, I can't say this is the best action film of the year so far. It's a close second, though. As far as non-superhero action goes, it doesn't get any better than The Expendables 2. Not only is it a great shoot-em-up adventure, but it doesn't take itself too seriously. The cast makes so many jokes poking fun at itself that you can't help but smile when you're not cringing while heads are exploding.

          The Expendables, which came out the same week two years ago, was terrific for what it was. You would expect that in an R-rated action film there would be sex, drug use, nudity, and bad language to go along with the violence. The Expendables has only violence. The worst swear word used in it is "Hell". There is no sex and no drug use. When Stallone leaves the pretty girl he just saved from death, he doesn't kiss her like all the other cheesy movies out there: he gives her a hug. My point is: The Expendables has more going for it than you would initially expect based on the premise. All those classic action stars from the 80s have created something truly interesting and original in their joint effort that is The Expendables.

          The Expendables 2 is no different from the first. The only difference is more classic action stars. Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger have larger roles this time around in heavy action scenes. Chuck Norris has a great little role as "the lone wolf". Newcomer Liam Hemsworth joins the tough guys for a small but important role. All these new additions enrich the Expendables universe, making it even more fun than the first one. The best addition to this brutal sequel is Jean Claude Van Damme. I was in awe of Van Damme's performance. He plays the villain in this picture and does an incredible job. His accent, his outfit, his eyes even, were all perfectly creepy and villainous. He was my favorite new addition to the cast. I never thought of him as a particularly good actor but he shines brilliantly as a villain. His costumes were even perfect. He wears this menacing black trench coat and black sunglasses in every scene (none of which are in broad daylight). I loved that aspect of the film. It made the scenes on the bad guy side just as entertaining as the ones with Stallone and co.

          All the other expendables turn in great performances. There are too many to name here, but no one faltered. Jet Li was not in it enough, though his one scene was great. Jason Statham once again shows that he can role with the big boys. He fits in so nicely even with those old dinosaurs. Stallone does a great job as always. Willis says a classic Arnie line and Arnie retorts with a "yippie-kai-yay". The most interesting surprise was that Chuck Norris actually makes a "Chuck Norris" joke about himself. Priceless.

          The action scenes are the best of the best. I've never seen so many vehicles, buildings, or people explode with such beauty and realism. I've played my fare share of Call of Duty and this movie reflects the gameplay and visuals somewhat. The headshots were depicted with such realism that it reminded me of headshots in first-person-shooters. The audience for The Expendables 2 is definitely the same audience as a first person shooter so they did a great job replicating that level of violence and ass-kicking.

          Therein lies the only problem with The Expendables 2. It's for a certain audience. If you've never played a first-person-shooter then chances are you might just hate this movie. If you've never seen a film with these old action stars in it, you probably won't understand any of the jokes made in the film. It comes down to this: if you see the trailers for The Expendables 2 and think it looks good, you will love it. If it's not "your kind of movie" then avoid it. It is much better than you would expect, but I won't go as far as to say everyone will enjoy it.



Here's three more trailers...

...that might be better than the movies they advertise.

Here are three more trailers that might be better than the movies they advertise. Mostly new this time...

This. Movie. Looks. Awesome. Well, to me anyway. This trailer makes Branded, out September 7, look so weird that it must have something worthy going for it. It doesn't provide much in the way of explanation, but I bet the whole film is oddly confusing and obscure. I hope to high Heaven that the film is as good as this freaky trailer. Oh, and the way "Branded" is written at the very end? Brilliant. Reminiscent of Enter the Void's opening credits.

Now, I know excorcism movies are a dime-a-dozen and usually lame, but something about The Possession has me hooked. It isn't necessarily this trailer making me want to see it, although it is well-made, but the facts about the movie. It's apparently based on a true story. Jeffrey Dean Morgan is in it and he is great. He doesn't normally star in a film like this so I hope it will be unusal or out of the ordinary (extraordinary hopefully) in some way. Also, it seems to me to sort of be a modern Pandora's box story. I love a good myth modernized. And like always, it's the music that makes this trailer such a success. Will The Possession, out August 31, be as scary as the trailer? I doubt it, but I'm still seein' it.

This is the most tasteful, subtle, gentlest way to drop a movie about Facebook onto an audience. It shows the social networking site in a creepy, demented, and dark light that totally prepares you for the film that it advertises. This movie is one of my all-time favorites so, yes, The Social Network (2010) totally lives up to this excellent teaser. Like I always say, the music is the best part. The cover of Radiohead's "Creep" is just so perfect for the subject and theme. I love this teaser. I watch it today and it still gets me excited for a two-year-old movie.



ParaNorman

PARANORMAN

Missing that unmistakable Neil Gaiman flare

Zombie's got my leg

2012, Stop-motion kid's adventure, Rated PG

Distributed by Focus Features

          There is essentially nothing wrong with the film ParaNorman. It's a great little movie for kids and parents and even teenagers. The only issues one might see in ParaNorman involve the animation company Laika's previous efforts. The first stop-motion film made by the team at Laika was Coraline, based on a novel by Neil Gaiman. Their eerie, gothic take on the classic Gaiman tale was marvelous and fit the Coraline atmosphere perfectly. This time around Laika has made an original film that is based on nothing. It's simply a tale of a little boy who can talk to ghosts and his journey to save a really angry one from destroying his town. It is a good movie, but it undeniably suffers from the absence of Neil Gaiman's mind and ideas.

          If you're not a Neil Gaiman fan or have never seen Coraline then you will love ParaNorman.The animation is even better this time around and colors and characters pop right off the screen. The 3D aids in the "popping" and works wonderfully for all those ghostly apparitions. Norman is a likable character and he is surrounded by other even more likable characters. For some reason, little Norman didn't leave an impression on me as strongly as some of the other more eccentric characters. Norman has a fat, little friend who was hilarious. His big sister is funny and tastefully valley-girl. Her love interest and the older brother of the round friend was probably my favorite character in the whole movie. He is incredibly (and unrealistically) muscly but his meat-head jokes were all fresh. It's a character that shows up in many movies, especially young adult movies, but in ParaNorman he is still funny and fresh. One fact about that character is revealed at the very end (I won't spoil it for you) and represents a GIANT step forward for kids movies. Bravo, Laika, bravo!

          The actors who play these lively clay people were all perfectly cast. The only actor I did not find fitting was Jeff Garlin as Norman's father. It could have been because I expected him to be funnier, but he just didn't sound right. He made a lot of jokes that weren't funny and he also treats Norman unkindly. Maybe I just didn't like the character. All in all the voice acting and characters are incredibly interesting and eccentric.

          The only thing wrong with the film is the pacing. The beginning is not very intriguing. The middle builds a bit more steam. But the finale is downright awesome. The film builds to an insane climax that shows off mature writing and superb animation. The lackluster beginning made the ending that much more enjoyable, but they still could have evened the tone out a bit more. I also didn't really like how they portayed the character of Norman in some parts. The beginning of the film treats the audience as if we don't already know that he can see and talk to ghosts. He sort of walks around and says "hello" to no one as if I'm supposed to be confused by it. Then it shows other kids thinking that he is weird for talking to imaginary people. The camera revolves around Norman in one shot and reveals a hidden world of ghouls surrounding and speaking to Norman. It all just felt totally unnecessary and overly-long. The trailers told us right up front that Norman can talk to ghosts so why drag it out?

          Yes, ParaNorman has its flaws but they are few and far between. It is nothing compared to the brilliant Coraline but does show off some new wit and insight into gothic animated films (I hope one day there's a whole genre devoted to goth animated films). The aspects that are awesome about ParaNorman easily outweigh those that may have needed some work. And this is a definite theater movie. The 3D and epic animation need to be viewed on a big screen.

          Side note: Back to the Neil Gaiman thing. Gaiman wrote a book called The Graveyard Book about...you guessed it: a little boy who can talk to ghosts! Why didn't they simply adapt that? It would have been way cooler than the story that unfolds in ParaNorman.

The Odd Life of Timothy Green

THE ODD LIFE OF TIMOTHY GREEN
Sometimes a good idea grows into a bad movie


2012: Walt Disney Pictures

2012, Family Movie, Rated PG-13
Distributed by Walt Disney Pictures

          The Odd Life of Timothy Green is Disney's newest live-action family affair. I personally was excited to see this movie based on the premise and the trailers. I thought the idea was just so...odd, that it had to make for a fascinating story. The story behind the movie is quite fascinating, but the characters that populate it are boring, one-dimensional, and hardly relatable at all.

          The idea behind Timothy Green begins with a couple, played by Joel Edgerton and Jennifer Garner, who can't have children. One scene I liked in the film was in the beginning when they find this out. The camera shows the two of them sitting in the doctor's office and by the looks on their faces it is impossible to tell which is medically unable to make children. I liked that because it wasn't all that important, who was physically at fault, because what matters is how a couple as a unit handles the situation. Unfortunately the movie gets bad right after that because the way they handle it is annoying. Really cheeky and cutesy and annoying.

          The main problem with this movie is the two lead characters and the actors who play them. I eventually detested the way they treated their unique situation. The couple one night decides to put the infertility thing behind them by writing down all the traits of the imagined kid and putting the writings in a box. They then bury the box in the garden. That night a little boy sprouts up from the garden and he has leaves attached to his legs. The couple realizes that the boy was sent for them because they can't conceive: a miracle! I thought the scene where they are writing down imagined traits looked lame because it was cut short for the trailer but no: it is even worse when watching the whole movie. The problem with this movie is that sometimes it's embarrassing to watch. The script has the couple acting like idiots. There are just so many things I would have done differently in their situation. You can't keep it a secret that you found a kid who grew out of your garden. Jennifer Garner has a sister in the movie and she acts not a like a normal person would regarding the boy either. It was just so daft that the parents simply say "don't let anyone see your leaves" before Timothy goes to school. They think they can keep it a secret that he has vegetation growing out of his legs with knee-high socks. I'm sorry but that's just stupid. It's very odd, the whole movie, but not in a good way. The whole thing eventually feels pointless. I really disliked this movie. It's heart was in the right place, but everything else was a puzzle put together improperly.

          The best part of the film, and something that will make it worth a rental at most down the road, is the performance by CJ Adams playing Timothy. Both Timothy the character and the actor who plays him are wonderful. It's just too bad little Timmy didn't end up in some one's garden who didn't approach every parenting issue with a frantic, wide-eyed "I have no idea what I'm doing" expression on his or her face. The great character of Timothy is brought down by the annoying couple who find him. There were some scenes where I became physically uncomfortable and looked away from the screen when the parents stepped in to try and help Timothy in some odd way. They embarrass themselves and the audience many times throughout the film. They can't embarrass little Timothy because he isn't human: he's a freak of nature.

          The movie's heart is in exactly the right place but everything else is jumbled and messy. You don't want to spend your hard-earned money on this film unless you didn't get enough "weird kid in a weird movie" from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close last fall. Still, I can't recommend this cheesy, melodramatic, overly-sentimental bore of a movie.

          Side note: Another good aspect of this film is...the title. It makes sense once you see it why they call it the odd "life" of Timothy.



The Bourne Legacy

THE BOURNE LEGACY

You really can't ask for more in a modern action thriller

It's Jared Bourne

2012, Espionage Thriller, Rated PG-13

Distributed by Universal Pictures

          So you didn't think Jeremy Renner could fill Matt Damon's shoes? You were dead wrong. I was so into this movie that two hours and fifteen minutes flew by. I was very surprised (and disappointed) when it ended. It could have gone on for another half hour and I would have been glued. The best part is that the story doesn't end when the credits role. They really leave you hangin'. Be prepared for a whole new trilogy of the Legacy of Bourne.

          As far as straight-up action movies go, this is the best of the year so far. When I say that I pretty much mean excluding comic book movies. This movie is like no other out there. It is truly gripping. From one badass action scenario to another, Renner as Aaron Cross of the Outcome Operation kicks so much butt and in the coolest, most original ways. The story of this film is essentially that what happened in the first three Bourne films set off alarms with everyone involved in the Outcome Operation (Sort of like what Bourne went through: a super secret science experiment to genetically enhance spies like Aaron and Jason). When the stuff hit the fan with Bourne, they decided to terminate all their other enhanced agents in the field. When they send a drone to take out Aaron and another agent, they can't kill Aaron. He escapes and then the movie is dangerous, edgy chase scenes and tension all around.

          I loved each action setting in this film. First we get a snowy Alaskan wilderness where Aaron must avoid detection by, and missiles fired from, a flying attack drone. This is one of the most exhilarating scenes. Everything from the subtle camera work to the action that plays out is superb. I was so into it and seriously worried about Aaron. He is incredibly resourceful, though, so I need not fret. He escapes the drone (I'm not giving anything away there, it's the first action scene) and then you don't see snow ever again in the film. Then he's in America and we get some nice fight and chase scenes in the good ol' U. S. of A. When that gets old, Aaron flies to Minila, Philippines to finish the film off in a totally new and exciting environment. I really liked the changing of the settings in which Aaron beat up baddies. I can't say this enough: as far as gritty action goes look no further than The Bourne Legacy. It's the best of the best.

          As far as acting goes, everyone turns in a great performance. Rachel Weisz as Dr. Marta Searing and Jeremy Renner as Cross carry the film and keep it interesting, giving the best two performances. I also really liked that even the small roles (people chasing Aaron, Marta's co-workers, people looking for Aaron) were superbly acted. There isn't a dull moment in this film and credit must go to the bit-part actors as well as the leads. The only performance I was not enthralled by was Edward Norton's. For some reason he was the only actor that I felt didn't belong in the film. He does a nice job but I felt like the way he played it didn't fit the Bourne universe. Oh well, it's still a great film.

          The Bourne Legacy is a must-see for many reasons, such as the ones listed above. There is one scene in this movie, however, that should be experienced in light of the whole film. Aaron Cross isn't even in the scene. It's not even an action scene. The tension and suspense built up in it, though, is incredibly well-crafted. I'm not going to say what the scene is but it involves Rachael Wiesz's workplace. When you see it, you'll know what I mean. It's edge-of-your-seat riveting.

          This film is not an after-thought. It is a great expansion to the Bourne universe and totally deserves a viewing whether you are a Bourne fan or not. I can safely say that you will be able to pick up on what's happening if you haven't seen the first three Bourne movies. You just need to know minimal back story. Overall I applaud the makers of this film. It is exhilarating and in this comic book action movie era, even though it is not original, it feels like a nice breath of fresh air. I loved it. You will too.

Nitro Circus: The Movie

NITRO CIRCUS: THE MOVIE

For a movie featuring death-defying stunts, Nitro is somewhat tedious

2012: Arc Entertainment

2012, Stunt Movie, Rated PG-13

Distributed by Arc Entertainment

          You'll realize a little ways into Nitro Circus: The Movie that it isn't a movie at all. What the Jackass guys did so well with three successful movies, Nitro Circus fails at horribly. What I got out of the Nitro Circus movie is that they really want you to go see their bigger, better, and more expensive live show. The whole film honestly felt like promotional material for the live show. The Jackass movies are like the show only with a bigger budget and an R-rating. The Nitro Circus movie is totally different. Although I applaud them for trying something new, the result is slightly underwhelming.

          The movie starts with a way-too-long opening sequence that introduces the audience to each member of the Nitro Circus crew. There is a narrator spitting out unfunny commentary about each person. Then it heads into discussion of the Nitro Circus live show in Las Vegas. Throughout the film, between stunts, it cuts back to "1 hour until showtime" and then "30 minutes until showtime" and then "15 minutes until showtime" and finally "showtime". They felt it necessary to remind us that they are now doing a live show and that it is much more spectacular than the TV show or the movie you just paid to watch. I really didn't like this aspect of the film.

          Having said that, Nitro Circus: The Movie is something worth your time. If you like the show then stop reading this and go see the movie. It's sort of like the show but with a bigger budget and bigger stunts. What's missing from the show is the humor and spontaneity. The show is funny. The movie tries to be as funny but everyone appears to be trying too hard, like they were all thinking that they needed to be extra funny because it was a movie this time. The movie feels drained of the formula that seemed to work so well in the show.

          What's great about the movie is the stunts and the 3D. Although there are less stunts than there should be, they are bigger and more dangerous this time around. Some are funny and stupid while others are impressive and actually took extreme sport talent. There was a good balence of the two kinds of stunts. The only problem is that there should have been more. The movie takes too much time in between to explain some back story for some character or something involving the live show. I just wanted to see Nitro Circus on the big screen and I guess I got that, just not the way I expected it. 

          Nitro Circus: The Movie is a must-see if you've ever enjoyed the show. I was thoroughly entertained but there was definitely something missing. I think people who are unfamiliar with the show will not be able to disregard that missing "something". The movie felt sort of cheap: it's like a giant advertisement for the live show in Vegas. It's entertaining and adrenaline-pumping but it undeniably feels like it could have been so much better.

          Side note: The only thing that saves this movie from being made-for-TV is the 3D aspect. It's the only reason you should view it in the theater. They utilized the technique very well so a trip to the big screen may be in order if you want to get all you can out of the Circus.

          Another side note: There are some great interviews sprinkled throughout the film with the likes of Johnny Knoxville and Rob Dyrdek. These candid interviews provided the heartiest laughs.

          The last side note: Where the *beep* is Andy Bell for this movie? He was nowhere to be seen, nor was he even mentioned.